Moving on .

I've been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes sporadically sometimes daily, but almost regularly. I have finally separated from XSU and starting to live a new life on my own. The original blog helped me get through the painful process of the end of the marriage, along with some bumpy roads dealing with a critically ill child in the midst of the end of marriage mess. Now this blog will see me through the new paths and adventures that life has to offer. Restructuring my life. My way. My experiences, ventings, musings on that whole big and not so big deal.

February 08, 2010

It's all about him.

I had a chat with the woo hoo specialist who helped me get through Rebel's time in hospital. I found myself needing some strategies to to understand how to make a few changes and how I react to the XSU and the offspring.

Because her insights are a woo-hoo-ish I never really know what direction our conversations will go or what I will learn. I know it sounds odd and perhaps totally bogus, but the fact of the matter is, the woman is helpful and does have a unique way of helping me solve my own issues through her own work and research. What Ev it was worth the hour of my time.
Narcissism. That ended up being the subject of the day. Particularly XSU's narcissism. Something I had never really viewed about him really. But the shoe fits. One of the many definitions of narcissism in the Urban Dictionary is : "someone who thinks that they are superior to everyone else or/and thinks only of themselves. conceited."

But it comes down to more than conceit. We ended up in a conversation about values, and morals. Those who are narcissistic do not usually have a set of moral values that they follow - because their concern is usually themselves. It's never about anyone except me. This doesn't translate well when one becomes a parent.
Someone in a relationship with a person like this means a different set of strategies for communicating, understanding and all those other things that make marriages or relationships work. Well, a little late on one hand, but helpful on the other.

It also means though that my girls have these tendencies as well. Ergo, Rebel with her sense of entitlement, her dislike for people in general, and her belief that being "pretty" will help her in life. ( the feminist woman in me shudders and wonders WTF????) Alas, says Ms Woo Hoo when I need to talk to her, to have her do what I need her to do, requires an approach that isn't a straightforward one. I have to appeal to an issue on her level and not mine. Pretty straight stuff and nothing new, but understanding the why behind it made sense to me.

Perhaps it's all BS but when I think of some of the arrogant and conceited things XSU does or did, and says, along with his desire to be seen as a nice guy or someone who is helpful, it makes sense to me.
The bottom line is if I need something, and as much as it pains me I will need to cater to the narcissistic side of his personality to get what I need it. I may need to vomit after I am done but it helps me get done whatever it is, then so be it. Mirror mirror on his wall - he's not the fairest but he believes he is.

And RJ leaves in two days. Not that I am counting or anything!


blondie16 said...

BS? I say not so much. G thought that CS was narcissistic very early on and sent me a few articles to read. He and the articles were spot on. And CS to this day is still the same. At least he is the new wifey's problem now, rather than mine and you now have tools to work with SU. And stock up on wine for after you have to do so.

Working with the girls will be easier I suppose, now that you have a better view of what it is you are actually dealing with.

I don't think it matters if the person you turn to for advice on these matters is, as you call her, Woo Hoo. She has given you some valuable insight and some ideas to better handle your new life with your daughters. Use it as best you can and go back to Ms. Woo Hoo for a tune up when needed.

Hang in there, girlfriend!
love and hugs,
~ b

Aleks said...

I completely agree with the whole narcissism thing. I always said the ex had narcissistic personality disorder and he sure as hell isn't a parent. Good luck dealing with yours!

MarieA said...

clearly narcissism is more prevalent than one would have thought.
thanks for the coaching Blondie. You're right. We do what we have to to help ourselves. I have to talk to the man may as well make it work to my advantage. He won't even know what hit him heh heh heh