Moving on .

I've been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes sporadically sometimes daily, but almost regularly. I have finally separated from XSU and starting to live a new life on my own. The original blog helped me get through the painful process of the end of the marriage, along with some bumpy roads dealing with a critically ill child in the midst of the end of marriage mess. Now this blog will see me through the new paths and adventures that life has to offer. Restructuring my life. My way. My experiences, ventings, musings on that whole big and not so big deal.

June 29, 2010

Living through a lot but yet not enough.

I bought a desk for the basement but it's not down there yet because I need to have some furniture come out of there. A couch and a futon frame. Rebel's BF kept telling me he'd do it, and then never did. What else is new - so I have to find some guys to give me a hand.

I was all set to take the girls out for dinner this evening. RJ deigned to come by to pick some stuff up from the house and I haven't done much grocery shopping because Rebel doesn't eat much of what I cook, so I buy in small quantities.

So as we were getting ready to go out for dinner I am standing beside the desk that should be in the basement but it's in my living room and Rebel pushed me out of the way - no sorry, no excuse me, nothing - and goes on about how I need to stay out of her way if we're going to leave the house. And why was the desk in the front room and on she went. As she talked and was ruder and ruder I decided WTF? and I am going to pay for dinner out?!

And I asked the question - "so why would I pay for dinner out after listening to this?" And on and on she went and ya know.. and you do know because y'all keep telling me, the girl has no respect or regard for me at all. None. And RJ started in sort of but even she isn't keen on this. I told RJ I'd take her back to her dad's place and we'd go for dinner another time. I don't have to put up with the stuff being thrown at me. It's not right. I am so tired of the disrespect and regard for MY feelings that I just decided FORGET it! RJ too made a crack about why she is staying at her dad's - the tension between the one who wants to be an adult but acts like a spoiled 14 year old and the mother is too wearing on her. I can't say I blame her frankly, even if she has princess tendencies.

I came back from driving RJ to the XSU's house and Rebel had the gall to ask me to use my car again. I told her that I get anxious when she takes my car on a week night and isn't back until late. I wanted her to be home before midnight.

Her response - "I 'm 22 years old, I am an adult and I shouldn't have to be coming home at your convenience as if I had a curfew so take an ativan and leave me alone."

Again, I asked her - very politely I think - no yelling on my part for a change - to look at it from my perspective - it's my car which I am allowing her to use; I don't sleep well during the week when she is out in my car and I believe there needs to be some regard for what I want. Her response was she deserved respect and until I gave her respect-forget it. She does not get it. at all.

I kept the car keys and told her to have her BF come and pick her up to move her stuff to his place. That should be entertaining - apparently he's downgraded his ride from the '96 Mustang to a Canadian Tire special bicycle so unless it's a bike built for two with a big basket on the handles bars, I won't be seeing a lot of action that way.

So of course the place has the tranquility of a war zone for now but I can't keep backing down. Her rude nasty tone is shocking to me as her mother. I have not ever played the "who was there for you at the hospital every freaking day you were there" card, because I know she knows. Guilt isn't going to do it. Not going to go there even if her BF continues that line.

Nope, she will now become dependent on her BF - for whatever good that does. She will leave and take her yappy dog with her and perhaps I will finally get some peace. I will also change the locks on the door when she does go because I can't have her coming in here when I am not around. That just won't be on.

Yes, she did get through a horrible time, but damn it so did I! I lived through it right with her and then had to deal with all the crap with her idiot BF AND the XSU at the same time. And really, that's none of her business and she won't get that until she is older. Much older. Until she does, I guess we're not going to be very mother daughter-ish.

sigh..... it's come to this. Not happy - but as her mother, I am not handing out the respect card until it's earned. This 22 year old , has lived through a lot. But apparently it's still not enough for her to understand what's really important and get over her selfishness.

June 27, 2010

Sighes and leaving the nest

Rebel is once again moving in with the BF of hers on the other side of the river. What it comes down to with her is she doesn't want to be in my house - or her father's house, she just wants to be independent and not have to follow anyone's rules but her own.

I get that, having done it myself albeit before I was 22 and going to grad school in another city. I too recall wanting to move into an apartment with a girlfriend only to have BOTH my mother and grandma on my case asking me about bills, furniture, school and forcing me to cave to their demands. I can still hear the two of them - one on either side of me grilling me on my lack of thought, on how was I going to study. It was a conversation in Ukrainian that went something like this:

"Ma - you know what she wants to do? She wants to leave home and go live in an apartment!"
and grandma responds -
"An apartment? Why? what are you doing you don't want your mother to know about eh?"

"Nothing Baba - I want to get out on my own that's all."
"Go ahead ma, ask her how she's going to pay rent and utilities?"
"Nu Marie, how are you going to pay the rent? you go to university. You have to study."

"I work already two nights a week I'll just work on weekends too."
"Weekends? You go to church on Sunday, and you have to study. You're going to work now? OY!"

"That's right ma, she wants her independence. How much rent are you going to pay? You want independence, I'll give you independence. I'll charge you rent and you can have your independence, how's that."
" Good idea Marushka. Charge your own daughter rent and she can live here and be independent."
"It's not the same mom, and you know it. Just because you lived at home until you got married doesn't mean I am going to do that too."
"OF COURSE your mother lived at home. Where else do nice girls live? Downtown? in apartments? What's wrong with you child, don't you know nice girls don't live in apartments."

On and on they went til they wore me down. Okay, I am not that ancient that nice girls didn't live in apartments. But even then I had a union job part time, a decent room mate and it would have been walking distance to university downtown. But no go. And right she was - it would have been difficult but then again who knows how things would have worked. I just couldn't disobey my mother at that point. I NEVER spoke to my mother the way my daughters speak to me. NOT ever. Two year later though, I was off to the east coast for more university and had my independence.

But my Rebel girl isn't there yet. Her BF, the useless, loser, lying, jackass, has no job and does work for cash while he waits for his so-called "union" job which I am quite sure is more bull cacky than a bull produces in a month. I do not see how he can possibly afford Rebel AND her dog.

I listened in on a conversation Rebel had with her Dad, ( eavesdropping is not a crime when your children are involved so don't judge me!) and I have to admit, it appears he is finally growing balls when it comes to dealing with her and BF. He finally told her again he wants her to live at his place while he's gone to visit his parents. He knows if she moves in the BF will follow, but I said to him, what do you care as long as he is not there when you get back, what are you going to do about that. At least he might cut the lawn while you're gone!

He also point blank asked her what her BF is doing for a job to support her and I don't think she really did have a good answer.
In talking with someone who Rebel trusts, she told me that really - deep down Rebel knows her BF is a useless,loser, lying, jackass and she will only take so much more before she is done.

She says because Rebel has lived a pretty cushy life and has had whatever she wants, heart transplant notwithstanding, she will NOT like living with BF who has no cash to spare, who has no understanding for anything intellectual has no ambition and she will tire of it. The cracks are there.
So I will need to back off. And hope that in the process, he doesn't do her too much damage. I believe she worries about being alone, about not finding anyone and he reinforces this. Not much I can do except tell her she can return home anytime,( with certain guidelines that must be respected).

In the meantime, I have to go and pick up the mess she left behind in my rec room and her bedroom. sigh.... not the way I would like to move on and have her leave the nest, but leave the nest she has..... again.

June 22, 2010

I love you - leave home!

I have been continuing the de-cluttering mission. I found the sweetest little note from RJ:

"Dear mommy, Welcome home. I really missed you. I was glad you phoned every day. I 've been counting down the days til you came home. Now stay home. Don't go anywhere for a long time. I love you lots. "
Love and hugs like this xoxoxox

Fast forward ten years and now I get email:
"HEY! when are you going out of town again??!! It's time for a party. Just kidding. I'll have a party at dad's.
Your daughter.
PS: you'd better hide your cheapo Boone's sangria, my weirdo friends think it's tasty! (-; (-D "


June 20, 2010

Happy Father`s Day- A man and his son.

Today is Father`s Day the - the 53rd that my dad celebrates. He will spend the day with my brother and his family. Dad is losing it. His mind isn`t really there. It`s difficult to have a conversation with him. They say it it isn`t Alzheimer`s but it is some kind of dementia. We know it, even if he doesn`t yet, and I suppose that`s okay. Better to not realize your brain is going to mush and live your days happily enjoying it for what it is.

The key thing my dad taught me and my brothers as we were growing up is to never be afraid to ask questions. By asking questions you get answers, and you will know and understand. This comes in handy even for nefarious purposes,. heh heh heh. Something my dad is not. He is a kind soul who always sees the positive in everything, even when he should be a little more careful. But that is who he is and I am the better for it.

While in Edmonton, I ran into an old family friend of my grandma`s. This guy is my age or a little older. He lived with his parents in the flat above my grandma`s main floor flat. The dad was a weird ass. Totally authoritarian with his wife and son. A sneak and not very nice. I had not seen the son since we both left home over 30 years ago. I told him he looked like his dad. I could just see the shadow pass across his face. I apologized and told him I was sorry if that hurt him.

In the next ten minutes that we spoke he told me why he left Winnipeg, went to school elsewhere and never returned. He also told me he went for therapy and was glad he did because it helped him get over the issues he had concerning his dad. I told him MY story, and my theory and then told him that seeking help was a brave step, one I wish my XSU had taken, but couldn`t. Today this man is happy, content, has a great family and living life his way without demons chasing him. He`s not forgiven his dad but he`s dealt with it. And what a difference it has made he said, in his relationships with his two children, a boy and a girl. He smiles as he talks about his wife and kids.

I have come to believe, and continue to observe that a man who has a good healthy, loving relationship with his own father is a man who who will BE in a healthy relationship with his children and his spouse. He is less likely to go through the same level of shit like mid life crisis than the man who doesn`t get along with his dad - for whatever reason. I`ve seen it over and over again. He who doesn`t resolve his relationship with his father is not going to be a satisfied man. The XSU continues to be a prime example of my theory.

Happy Father`s Day to my dad and all my friends who are dads!

June 19, 2010

Yeah.. they grew apart

No surprise eh? They "grew apart" is always code for "someone is screwing around!"
Even though it is The Star, there is probably a little truth to this juicy scandal in the making.
Et tu Al?

June 13, 2010

AS IF! Here's a Sunday Snippet For Ya!

Someone smack me if you even hear a WHISPER that I might just decide to go this route. I can't imagine it happening but apparently it's not as uncommon as some would think. Seriously, just take me aside and have a nice loooooong talk with me and make me re read every blog post from the beginning of time!
Dating your ex again

June 12, 2010

Clean sweep

I have been remiss in getting to the church for nearly a year now. After XSU finally left I found that by the time Sundays rolled around I just didn't want to leave the house for the 40 minute drive to the one Ukrainian Catholic church in the city. I'd end up at the Roman church five minutes away and it was all right, but not really doing it for me. And yet the struggle to get out the door on Sunday was just too much. One liturgy at 11:30 AM meant I wasn't home until nearly 1:30 or 2 PM depending on coffee hour, council chat.

I am thinking it's time to get back to basics and remember why I need to be there - lousy pastor, long drive notwithstanding. The pastor is so not good with people that at times it's all bit formulaic. However the friends and community there are ever so supportive and were wonderful during Rebel's illness and hospital stay. I found my own rhythm in that and found the need for spiritual guidance to be critical in my sanity and her health.

Then there is the deal with my two very independent daughters who insist on doing things their own way - we parents pay for teaching independence - I need to let them go and figure it out for themselves. Yet, I need to hang around for when when they rebound back.

Rebel is seriously annoyed with me when I finally booted her BF out for good this week. For some reason I am being seen as the intolerant one even though this "man" has been freeloading for the last 6 months. Full freeloading time in the last three years is probably closer to 18 months. When I suggested to him that he didn't even supply his own toothpaste, shampoo or laundry soap any time he spent all I heard back was "I fixed your car, I clean your house." sigh... In the end Rebel has decided I am the enemy and she is going to try and live with him. Again. XSU and I have had a couple of emails going back and forth on this one. He's even way more upset about this than I am. Not sure how he plans to handle it - Could he perhaps pul-eeeease tell her she is welcome to live at his place?

Then there's Rebel Junior, who called me today asking me to turn her phone back on because she was going to a party and needed to make calls. When I suggested that most houses did still have land lines I could hear the panic in her voice and the quick sucking in of breath.
"No one goes to people's houses and use their house phones!" she hissed at me.
"Well, I guess you can start a new trend," I told her.

She then told me that "next time" she was not going to clean my house!

First of all, what is it with this crew and their house cleaning fixations? I for one, am not too concerned, so why are they all worried about cleaning my house? I don't think it's THAT bad, well, except my bedroom and spare room, which no one has to see if they're on the main floor. These people have to relax a little bit. I know I certainly have!

I had to remind RJ that the only reason she was "cleaning" was because she was busy lying to me and her father about throwing yet another party in my absence and frankly, if there was any cleaning to be done, perhaps a better job of post party cleaning would have meant I could have been fooled and she'd still have access to her precious blackberry texting capabilities.

She told me to have a nice weekend and then hung up the land line at her father's place.

I think I'll go clean my house now, since all the volunteers have up and absconded. Clean and quiet. I think I'll like that as I contemplate my Sunday activities.

June 10, 2010

Red Light District

I confess only because I got caught. I ran a red light and was caught on one of those red light cameras. I saw the pictures and am paying the fine.

It happened on RJ's birthday right after 5 PM, so I must have been rushing home to get to her birthday dinner. I probably ran a yellow, because the little bit of information that I found in very small print said the light had been red for a grand total of 1 second when I went through it. One whole second.

I don't normally run red lights. It's that whole do I stop or do I go as you approach the yellow light. Yeah..... I can do this..... vrrrroooooom heavy right foot, look both ways before going through, look at the light one more time and zzzzzip through the intersection.

Light changes.
Sheeeeeeeiiiiiite, and the camera snaps my plate.
Great - it's still registered in XSU's name but he hasn't done an address change so at least the ticket arrived at my house, and as I do with all mail addressed to him I opened it. Good thing eh? I usually then throw away what ever I find, or I make a rude comment and return whatever it is with a MOVED return to sender remark on the envelope. This one I kept.

And now I have turned into one of *them*. You know - those people who slow down at green lights at the intersection. Yeah, that's me. Now I know why *they* do it. Because they too had to pay the $350 fine but no demerits or insurance penalties for running a red after it changed one second after you go through the yellow.
I don't want to pay another $350 so I question it as I come upon the intersections. Is it still green? Will it stay green? Do I need to slow down and stop? It's going to be red soon. I'd better stop. Or at least. slow. down.

That's why *they* do it. You get one lousy running red light caught on camera fine and that's it. Automatic old lady driver.

I may as well put on my floppy sun hat, I'll forget about the Mustang and shop around for a Buick and find a copy of Driving Miss Daisy because I am psychologically sunk.

June 06, 2010

More Sex and Lies... and coulda used the video tape!

I have returned from Edmonton. I had a great time at my conference. I always do. Lots of stuff going on causing great consternation before the annual general meeting meant that I spent some time running around organizing resolutions, finding out who would support the issues and pretty much rabble rousing.

Rebel Junior threw another party while I was gone, after I asked XSU to SPECIFICALLY keep tabs on her. "Oh I will, don't worry. She is going to Jamie's but I will swing by your place just in case." Yeah... a lot of good his swing was. It's never been good. And Rebel seemed to not be around all of a sudden while this partying was going on right under her nose.

RJ managed to con her dad to get her a Blackberry phone. seriously! I am not paying for it. Another whole story. But guess what? He agreed with me - really - he did! that RJ's phone should be blocked for a while. So her phone is turned off for at least a week or three. I am sure she'll be going through withdrawal even before I finish this blog entry.

Rebel had the boyfriend back in the house. I was not impressed but expected this. I figured he'd be around while I was out of town, but enough already! I asked him when he was leaving and he looked over at Rebel. Argument ensued when I stated that unless Rebel was paying the mortgage - looking at her wasn't going to do him any good, and at what time would he be leaving this evening? I stood over him with Rebel telling me to leave her room, while I stared down this idiot.

Good thing I spent a lot of money on new shoes while I was at my conference. In four days I had a mere two hours
for recreational retail therapy and I used it well! What would a trip out of town be without a little shopping. We found a shoe store to end all shoe stores. I swear half the women at the conference must have stopped in. I bought two GORGEOUS pairs of shoes as did my room mate from BC. We both pranced around our hotel room in our new shoes admiring our skill at sussing out shoes at full price instead of the sale rack stuff. yeah.... full price, for shoes made some where other than China... France to be specific... I think I have money for the mortgage and maybe the electrical bill and a little gas for my car this month, given what I paid for these shoes. Leather like butter -and the sassiest pair of little summer peek-a-boo pumps. It's my outlet for no sex. shoes. While sex is a whole lot cheaper (but is it?), and quite probably over rated, the shoes will last a whole lot longer and probably give me a whole lot more pleasure. I pant even as I edit the photos

and no.... my toes are not squished into the shoes - I just have this toe that is crooked. My mom had the same thing, and so does Rebel.

June 01, 2010

I am losing my mind!

I was busy getting all my stuff together at work today for my travel on Wednesday to Edmonton. When I looked at my flight itinerary apparently I was supposed to have been on the plane - TODAY!! I couldn't believe it. Ive never been a no show before.

Oddly, I have been having this niggly feeling about this trip for weeks now. I kept asking myself and reassuring myself that I was going on the 2nd not the first. When I was first planning this, I had thought about going early and then, I THOUGHT I had changed my mind. I called the travel agent we have to use and she managed to get me on a flight at the crack of dawn 6:30 AM via Winnipeg rather than my planned civilized flight at 9 AM that was direct non stop. Travel agent with a sense of humour asked me if my return flight needed to be changed too. I THINK I will come home on time. I won't miss that flight! But then again.....

I was going to say something on my Facebook status but decided not to because I'd never hear the end of it from the girls who already think I am on the road to dementia. They just don't realized it's temporary dementia being menopausally sleep deprived and all. Right now I am going to mush, but I've read that this is temporary and eventually I'll be able to sleep again, and when I do, I will be a force. Again.

So I also had a hotel booked for tonight. My heavenly bed was waiting for me. No penalty to cancel, thank goodness for small miracles. Then I wondered, perhaps my room mate was arriving today and I shouldn't have canceled the room. I called her in Prince George and luckily - she wasn't arriving til tomorrow. She was all freaked out too, because she thought she was going today. How's that for woo hoo-iness! But then she realized that it was me not her who was traveling so you can imagine the bizarre phone conversation that two of us had this afternoon.

As per usual, it's nearly midnight and I haven't packed stuff yet. I will get on that now. More of my misadventures.