Moving on .

I've been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes sporadically sometimes daily, but almost regularly. I have finally separated from XSU and starting to live a new life on my own. The original blog helped me get through the painful process of the end of the marriage, along with some bumpy roads dealing with a critically ill child in the midst of the end of marriage mess. Now this blog will see me through the new paths and adventures that life has to offer. Restructuring my life. My way. My experiences, ventings, musings on that whole big and not so big deal.

June 27, 2010

Sighes and leaving the nest

Rebel is once again moving in with the BF of hers on the other side of the river. What it comes down to with her is she doesn't want to be in my house - or her father's house, she just wants to be independent and not have to follow anyone's rules but her own.

I get that, having done it myself albeit before I was 22 and going to grad school in another city. I too recall wanting to move into an apartment with a girlfriend only to have BOTH my mother and grandma on my case asking me about bills, furniture, school and forcing me to cave to their demands. I can still hear the two of them - one on either side of me grilling me on my lack of thought, on how was I going to study. It was a conversation in Ukrainian that went something like this:

"Ma - you know what she wants to do? She wants to leave home and go live in an apartment!"
and grandma responds -
"An apartment? Why? what are you doing you don't want your mother to know about eh?"

"Nothing Baba - I want to get out on my own that's all."
"Go ahead ma, ask her how she's going to pay rent and utilities?"
"Nu Marie, how are you going to pay the rent? you go to university. You have to study."

"I work already two nights a week I'll just work on weekends too."
"Weekends? You go to church on Sunday, and you have to study. You're going to work now? OY!"

"That's right ma, she wants her independence. How much rent are you going to pay? You want independence, I'll give you independence. I'll charge you rent and you can have your independence, how's that."
" Good idea Marushka. Charge your own daughter rent and she can live here and be independent."
"It's not the same mom, and you know it. Just because you lived at home until you got married doesn't mean I am going to do that too."
"OF COURSE your mother lived at home. Where else do nice girls live? Downtown? in apartments? What's wrong with you child, don't you know nice girls don't live in apartments."

On and on they went til they wore me down. Okay, I am not that ancient that nice girls didn't live in apartments. But even then I had a union job part time, a decent room mate and it would have been walking distance to university downtown. But no go. And right she was - it would have been difficult but then again who knows how things would have worked. I just couldn't disobey my mother at that point. I NEVER spoke to my mother the way my daughters speak to me. NOT ever. Two year later though, I was off to the east coast for more university and had my independence.

But my Rebel girl isn't there yet. Her BF, the useless, loser, lying, jackass, has no job and does work for cash while he waits for his so-called "union" job which I am quite sure is more bull cacky than a bull produces in a month. I do not see how he can possibly afford Rebel AND her dog.

I listened in on a conversation Rebel had with her Dad, ( eavesdropping is not a crime when your children are involved so don't judge me!) and I have to admit, it appears he is finally growing balls when it comes to dealing with her and BF. He finally told her again he wants her to live at his place while he's gone to visit his parents. He knows if she moves in the BF will follow, but I said to him, what do you care as long as he is not there when you get back, what are you going to do about that. At least he might cut the lawn while you're gone!

He also point blank asked her what her BF is doing for a job to support her and I don't think she really did have a good answer.
In talking with someone who Rebel trusts, she told me that really - deep down Rebel knows her BF is a useless,loser, lying, jackass and she will only take so much more before she is done.

She says because Rebel has lived a pretty cushy life and has had whatever she wants, heart transplant notwithstanding, she will NOT like living with BF who has no cash to spare, who has no understanding for anything intellectual has no ambition and she will tire of it. The cracks are there.
So I will need to back off. And hope that in the process, he doesn't do her too much damage. I believe she worries about being alone, about not finding anyone and he reinforces this. Not much I can do except tell her she can return home anytime,( with certain guidelines that must be respected).

In the meantime, I have to go and pick up the mess she left behind in my rec room and her bedroom. sigh.... not the way I would like to move on and have her leave the nest, but leave the nest she has..... again.


Anonymous said...


I am very curious as to how this slacker is going to pay for the apartment that your daughter is moving in to. WTF?

I am sure this must be very difficult for you to just sit back and watch it play out. I am keeping you all in my prayers.

love and hugs,
~ b

Anonymous said...

Let her go....*sigh, she has to learn on her own*

I'm very curious how slacker is going to pay for her medical bills let alone the dog....

if she goes, you can't pay for certain things and not others, otherwise they will never learn....

It is tough but it has to be done after all she is 21 an adult, time for her to start to behave like one.

(I'm saying this in a very soft voice kinda way....)


Rudy said...

I think XSU needs to grill rebel more about what bf is doing to support her. Seems he found a chink in the armor and now is the time to drive a mack truck through it.

yeah, yeah we all knew it was there but she got so defensive with mom. Let dad do it.

love the cartoon :-)