Moving on .

I've been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes sporadically sometimes daily, but almost regularly. I have finally separated from XSU and starting to live a new life on my own. The original blog helped me get through the painful process of the end of the marriage, along with some bumpy roads dealing with a critically ill child in the midst of the end of marriage mess. Now this blog will see me through the new paths and adventures that life has to offer. Restructuring my life. My way. My experiences, ventings, musings on that whole big and not so big deal.

January 28, 2011

Doing the Epiphany

This past week I've seen the VNN a few times. He called and asked me to come over for tea one evening after dinner. We spent a couple of hours on the couch talking. It was just so very nice.

Yesterday I asked VNN to come over and keep me company as I was making soup for a staff retreat that I was hosting today. Again, it was quite lovely. I was quite comfortable with my glass of wine, chopping onions and cabbage for soup having him in my space. And again, we talked. A lot. He asked me a fair bit about the break up with XSU and I tried to give him the edited Readers Digest, noooo the Coles Notes version.

I told him, how frustrated I would get with XSU because he wouldn't talk to me and so I started breaking dishes to get his attention. "Wow," said VNN, "you must have been so hurt to do that."
"yep," I said, "that angry too, so getting me angry does this stuff to me." We talked a little more and then changed the subject and moved on.

Fast forward to today. Staff retreat at my house. We were following a process that is a little more based in psychology than business practice and whoa... I ended up having a rather major epiphany and had to actual get up and leave the session for a bit because of what was running through my head.

I realized that during my discussions with VNN about my anger, that part of what is going on with me now - the whole "doing" thing, the wanting to but not being quite there yet, had to do with my fear. The fear of being hurt again. And how, now that I recognize it, I can deal with it. I have the responsibility for my own feelings and needs and I can't put that on him at all. I can't ask him to promise me that he won't hurt me, of course not. But I can figure out how I can get past that, and take the leap. Now, he's not putting any pressure on me whatsoever. Never mind that he's taken me to heights of arousal I haven't felt in years, if ever, - and I mean seriously whew... but ... really... it's all good.

So, when I next head over to VNN's house - movie night - Saturday - after his daughter and her family have had pot roast with grandpa, I'll be able to have this out there and be able to deal with it a whole lot better. Though given what I have already learned about this man, he's probably three steps ahead of me on this one.

Not doing the do yet, but at least I understand what those voices are in the back of my head that are causing me trepidation.

January 25, 2011

The doing in the dating

Looks like this girl might be back in some game. The big date went very well. It was dinner a lot of talk and a lot of ummmm good old fashioned kissing. Intense it was. And very satisfying. The Very Nice Neighbour, AKA VNN formerly known as the Widower ( yes Blondie name change seemed appropriate) neighbour, and I seem to be hitting it off. Well.

We are now in email mode. I find I like flirting via email a whole lot more than I do in real life. You do lose the sashaying about, and the batting the eyes thing, but it works for me.

Going into French class at 7:45 AM today, one of my work friends asked about my date. I am pretty sure the stupid silly grin on my face gave me away... and she exclaimed " OMG!! did you *DO* him already!?!" I spewed my coffee and had to laugh. Really want to, but not going there just yet.

But to back track, the man googled me! And I have to tell you, it's embarrassing because there are at least ten pages of stuff about me, and my brother doesn't turn up until about page 12! And what surprised me not just that he was impressed, but had some very nice things to say about some of the stuff I have myself involved in.

I can't help but make comparisons to the XSU - I mean really, what else have I got? And the bottom line? There are NO comparisons to be made made. None.

So... I've been walking around with a silly grin on my face and heading out post date night for evening tea and enjoying this lovely surprise in my life.

January 16, 2011

It's the shoes that make the dance

It has been another good week. Sleep deprivation notwithstanding.

A friend at work asked me to go the Ukrainian New Year gala at one of the local church halls. She's not been to a good Ukrainian dance party since moving here and thought a bunch of us girls should go and have a good time. Another really good friend of mine goes every year and has been after me to come out. Of course, XSU being the non social person he is unless it involves copious amounts of alcohol and his guitar ( playing the same four songs ad nauseum) would never want to go. And for some reason, he didn't like my friend's husband. I could never figure that one out. For far too long I played the loyal wife and chose to stick with him.

No more my friends!

So I borrowed, without knowledge,Rebel Junior's new shoes that she has already purchased for Prom and off I went. I had a great time. Ate far too much food, danced the night away when the young girls passed on their leftovers to me,or did the girls in a circle thing and between the Ukrainian dances, the Black Eyed Peas and the Beatles, I did okay.

One of the girls won a bottle of Ukrainian honey pepper flavoured vodka At midnight she opened the bottle and we girls plus our hardy two Ukrainian gentlemen dance partners had a shot each to usher in the New Year. Pepper vodka is very.... peppery even with that bit of honey in it.

I didn't get home til nearly 2 AM, and slept til nearly noon. Even the dog didn't wake me up to go out. RJ had the XSU drive her to work and pick her up, so I am feeling quite content in my little house today.

Life is good. Now I just need to continue to re jig my biorhythms clock and see if this getting up before the birds will work over the next few months.

January 13, 2011

Sleep deprivation and viral dancing

This was been a pretty good week - so far. I don't want to jinx it either but I think, I hope things might just be on a bit of an upswing. No point in getting too enthusiastic.

This weekend is the big Ukrainian New Year's gala, which I am attending. First time in just about forever since I've been to one of these parties, and I am looking forward to it. And no, the widower isn't going with me, I'm going with a bunch of girls from work and other friends. Lots of food, again, and good Ukrainian dancing with someone. Though I will be the first to admit, rhythm isn't one of my strengths.

Widower hasn't called yet about date night. Almost just as well. I am finding that this new schedule I have to keep til April is going to kill me, or at the very least weaken me. I have to be at work by 7:30 AM two mornings a week to get to a French class, and in between these two mornings, RJ has to be at school at 7:30. Yesterday I practically feel asleep at the keyboard around 2 in the afternoon trying to keep awake. I am quickly becoming sleep deprived and am hitting the sack by 10 PM instead of the usual midnight. No doubt my April I'll be in dreamland by 9 pm!

There were a couple of jobs openings at work, including a posting overseas and I decided to apply for it. Right after I got that one, I caught wind of a couple of *really* great positions at one of the universities, what is really a dream job. If I get one of them, RJ would have free university tuition. AND I would be making a significantly higher salary in a shorter period than I would ever get where I am now. Europe notwithstanding! I haven't quite yet decided what to do, but given what I've learned about how our international stuff works, and what it won't get me in the three years I'd be gone, I am leaning towards university. I get these gut feelings when it comes to jobs, and I seem to know what will work for me and what won't.
Bottom line - being a single woman who needs a decent pension, I'm all over those last best ten years.

I had a whack of junk and viruses in the laptop. Who knows how they got there, but those nerdsonsite guys did the job - three hours later! Nothing was lost - this time. I really have to get my stuff backed up onto an external hard drive - never mind the four five USB sticks I've got thrown around the place.

That's about it. I need sleep!

January 12, 2011

January 09, 2011

Best night ever!

I have been wanting to have good friends for dinner since I separated. There is a group of people who have meant a lot to me, who supported me and looked after me as I went through all the Rebel heart ache as well as my own heart ache. And I finally did it. Five couples came over for a traditional Ukrainian Christmas Eve dinner on the night after Ukrainian Christmas - which falls on January 7th. As luck would have it there is a Ukrainian students club at the local university and they put a call out telling people they would come caroling and they were doing it as a fund raiser for orphaned children in Ukraine.

It was beautiful and worked out wonderfully. Right after we finished our vodka Merry Christmas shot, had an appetizer and sparkling wine, and finished the borscht and mushroom perogy course, the carolers showed up. Ten students sang a bunch of traditional carols, and the group loved it. They were so surprised and impressed that these young adults were not just raising money but were living and keeping our heritage alive through song and traditional activities. The rest of the evening was talk talk talk about the carolers. I was so glad I invited them. It didn't hurt that one of the dinner plates was passed around and every couple kicked in $20 for their cause. Unexpected and quite a touching gesture too.

I sat at the head of the table not missing the XSU at all. Those closest to the kitchen with me kicked in and offered help as courses changed, plates removed and wine poured. Most of the dishes were done too. It was the BEST night ever. I so thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really didn't miss not having a partner around at all. I was quite content and so happy to have my own friends around me enjoying the meal and each others' company.

I had thought about inviting the widower neighbour to even things out, but I am not quite ready for that. Yet. I know he'd have been fine and quite comfortable with my group of friends. But I just wanted to enjoy my friends for each other for now.

We are going on a date next week. At least I think it will be a date. Something about dinner. I'm not all that free these days. I'm teaching at the local university one after noon a week, and I am in French class two mornings a week, plus the usual other nonsense I do, so I really do like time at home on my home to just de compress and chill. Regardless, I said yes to a Friday evening, and I expect it will be a date of sorts. Shall see how it goes.

I was shoveling my drive way on Ukrainian Christmas when I got home from work and he stopped his car got out and wished me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year both - with a kiss. This rather impressed me. I think this man is confident, and has a mission. I'm going to sit back, relax and go with the flow. Dinner date - here I come.