This past week I've seen the VNN a few times. He called and asked me to come over for tea one evening after dinner. We spent a couple of hours on the couch talking. It was just so very nice.
Yesterday I asked VNN to come over and keep me company as I was making soup for a staff retreat that I was hosting today. Again, it was quite lovely. I was quite comfortable with my glass of wine, chopping onions and cabbage for soup having him in my space. And again, we talked. A lot. He asked me a fair bit about the break up with XSU and I tried to give him the edited Readers Digest, noooo the Coles Notes version.
I told him, how frustrated I would get with XSU because he wouldn't talk to me and so I started breaking dishes to get his attention. "Wow," said VNN, "you must have been so hurt to do that."
"yep," I said, "that angry too, so getting me angry does this stuff to me." We talked a little more and then changed the subject and moved on.
Fast forward to today. Staff retreat at my house. We were following a process that is a little more based in psychology than business practice and whoa... I ended up having a rather major epiphany and had to actual get up and leave the session for a bit because of what was running through my head.
I realized that during my discussions with VNN about my anger, that part of what is going on with me now - the whole "doing" thing, the wanting to but not being quite there yet, had to do with my fear. The fear of being hurt again. And how, now that I recognize it, I can deal with it. I have the responsibility for my own feelings and needs and I can't put that on him at all. I can't ask him to promise me that he won't hurt me, of course not. But I can figure out how I can get past that, and take the leap. Now, he's not putting any pressure on me whatsoever. Never mind that he's taken me to heights of arousal I haven't felt in years, if ever, - and I mean seriously whew... but ... really... it's all good.
So, when I next head over to VNN's house - movie night - Saturday - after his daughter and her family have had pot roast with grandpa, I'll be able to have this out there and be able to deal with it a whole lot better. Though given what I have already learned about this man, he's probably three steps ahead of me on this one.
Not doing the do yet, but at least I understand what those voices are in the back of my head that are causing me trepidation.
Moving on .
I've been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes sporadically sometimes daily, but almost regularly. I have finally separated from XSU and starting to live a new life on my own. The original blog helped me get through the painful process of the end of the marriage, along with some bumpy roads dealing with a critically ill child in the midst of the end of marriage mess. Now this blog will see me through the new paths and adventures that life has to offer. Restructuring my life. My way. My experiences, ventings, musings on that whole big and not so big deal.