Moving on .
I've been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes sporadically sometimes daily, but almost regularly. I have finally separated from XSU and starting to live a new life on my own. The original blog helped me get through the painful process of the end of the marriage, along with some bumpy roads dealing with a critically ill child in the midst of the end of marriage mess. Now this blog will see me through the new paths and adventures that life has to offer. Restructuring my life. My way. My experiences, ventings, musings on that whole big and not so big deal.
December 27, 2009
Day 3 in my PJs. I LOVE this quiet Christmas season. Just what the doctor ordered.
Rebel's dog is making me a tad crazy but other than that... it's been nice.
Rebel Junior seemed pretty content. We had turkey for dinner. I cooked a turkey breast and as it cooked I realized there wasn't going to be any juice to make gravy. THAT was a little odd. We had sour cream with the perogies and cranberry sauce but no gravy for the stuffing - this was not right. I could have used some of the broth I always have handy but RJ said not to worry about it - so I didn't. We had caesar salad instead of the coleslaw that XSU always insisted upon and that was quite yummy. I allowed RJ to have a rum cooler with her dinner - YES I did! In the wine glasses no less! She had about half and decided she didn't want any more. I don't know who was more surprised... her or me.
I may do the same on New Year's Day. I have already decided to cook a ham and make scalloped potatoes for dinner since everyone will be back, May be we'll have a few odds and orphans around too. Will see what transpires. More perogies to make probably too!
Boxing Day was freezing rain. There was no way I was going to hit the stores. RJ was not impressed. Her godmother sent her $50 and she was all geared up to head to the mall. She wouldn't take a bus and I wasn't about to chip the ice off the car and slide to the mall. Getting home uphill would have been tricky. So instead she decided to go to a friend's at the opposite end of the city and stay there for a few days. Okay fine.
Today - day 3 in PJs and I hear the Rebel's BF clattering around doing the housecleaning. I am staying out of his way. I think I will get up and put real clothes on and go and chip away the slush now that the weather has warmed up and the ice is melting everywhere. I still have two more days off and today is Sunday so I am not going to do too too much. Maybe read a book and drink some wine next to the Christmas tree.
So a first Christmas in a new way. Next December I`ll have to remember the quiet and tranquil time we had and not feel stressed about what will happen or how, and perhaps it will help me get it together a whole lot earlier. Though I say that every year. And every year, things have a way of working the way they are supposed to.
December 24, 2009
1.tree to decorate
2.groceries to stock up
3.presents to wrap
4.phone calls to make
5.books to read
6.course curriculum to finish
7.movies to watch
8. kid to drive around
9. time to relax
10.wine to drink
11.blog to write
12. prayers to recite
13. Time to reflect
December 23, 2009
December 22, 2009
Christmas is a few days away and I am still not really feeling it. The cards are waiting to be done - I have a few more gifts to buy. I never did send anything out to the fam this year- I am behind worse than ever. And I am thinking I am just going to go with the flow of it. I am thinking of calling it post traumatic divorce/separation disorder.
PTDSD not an excuse I don't think. Just getting through the process kept me going. These past few months have been dealing with the after math of the process and perhaps this could be the reason that the ho ho ho-ing isn't coming quite naturally. My family is split apart with one kid with her dad a 1000 miles away and the other telling me that Christmas is going to be just plain weird. I get that.
However this evening I'll go buy a tree and wrestle it into the trunk of the Taurus somehow. The Rebel's BF is around though he did something to his back and is pretty much useless, but he wants to stay in my good books so he'll figure out a way to help me get the tree stand on and the thing into the house to thaw out.
So the decorations will go up tonight and tomorrow and I'll play the CDs sent to me by my friend in Washington - the three CDs that go buy the title "not your crooner's Christmas and I am sure I'll come around. It is about the feeling and looking forward to way to bond with the RJ if she'll let me.
December 20, 2009
I have watched this cheesy version of a Christmas Carol called "Ebbie" with Susan Lucci three times yep 3 TIMES in the past few weeks, the latest being this morning. Makes me tear up every time. I mean cheesy, cheesy. Yet the tears flow.
The WII Console is sold out all over town. Luckily, Rebel isn't around at Christmas and so it won't be too bad if I don't get it til afterwards. I bought Rebel a sweater and a couple of Disney movies ( she loves her Disney- Sleeping Beauty and Snow White are in the platinum edition!) to have as presents while away with her dad.
Damn you Apple. No such thing as a 16 ipod Touch any more. There's an 8 and a 32 - Price difference is from $200 to $300. I know an 8 isn't enough. WHEN did that happen? I STILL think the kid is lucky to be getting this regardless. 32 it will be. Luckily I have 5 cell phones to give Best Buy. They recycle them and give you reward points. I am counting on a few serious points to bring the cost of this one down. Will see. XSU forked over a whole whack of money to pay for all this thank goodness.
It's nearly 3 PM and I am still in PJs moving rather lethargically. Might be because I didn't get home last night til nearly 2 AM. I had a lovely time at a friend's annual martini Christmas party. Had a choco-tini, a Bellini, a traditional (gin not vodka) and some kind of raspberry blue thing. Don't worry - I paced myself. One drink an hour plus food and water between drinks. We danced in the kitchen. It was a good time.
RJ told me her dad was going to a party and wouldn't it have been funny if we were going to the same party. Now there's a thought. OF course this would be highly unlikely, but for a half a nano second ...
December 17, 2009
Two flu shots, the echinacea regimen and vitamin D regularly and I still managed to catch some bug.
I missed RJ's dance showcase last night and hope to attend tonight somehow.
And the furnace died sometime during the middle of the night. Luckily some one was here to fix it by 9AM. It's -20 today and closer to -30 with the windchill so the furnace conking out wasn't fun. I am wrapped up in a blanket and just took the big sweater off as the house starts to heat up again.
I have not been impressed with how the girls have been dealing with me being sick. Yeah... Rebel is writing exams and mid terms but I got out of bed finally this morning and the kitchen is a disaaster. It's not pretty. I haven't said anything yet but the two of them along with the BF really need to make an effort to clean up after themselves.
Rebel is still intending on going to NS with her dad. I've told her the dog can't stay here. I think her BF and the dog will be going back to the uncle's for the duration which I am more than okay with.
RJ and I have to decide what to do for Christmas. I don't think she's ever been a big turkey fan but all I am getting out of her right now, is I don't care. Not sure what we'll do about this. It will be pretty quiet, but we may have a friend or two turn up for visits.
I am going back to bed, because I don't want to miss RJ's show tonight. She's worked pretty hard this term and has done some choreography too - she may not say it but she would be disappointed if I can't go.
Tea and toast is just enough for me today.
December 15, 2009
Took the day off work today because I have a million things to do and not enough time to do it all. Yet there is always time to blog somehow.
Had a nice day at work yesterday. The boss took his entire team out for breakfast and brought along our big cheez boss and her admin assistant. First time I've ever had a manager do this. And given that they receive performance bonuses - just to show up it seems to most of us - it was a nice gesture. I think this guy wants to be liked. WhatEv. One of my team asked me if we should do something for him. I am not a fan of buying gifts for the boss - myself included and I told her - no we don't need to do anything for him except our jobs. NO need to spend money on a guy who makes $15K more than me AND an annual pretty much guaranteed bonus. Love the way government functions. I also told her I do not want or need my employees buying me anything either. Same reasons minus the bonus.
But I digress. Today's to dos includes:
``Mail the frozen perogies to the nephew college student to fortify himself through exams.
``Mail the other care package to the other friend - it might show up before Christmas.
``Finish the course design on the marketing course.
``Get the Christmas cards into envelopes and out the door.
``Attend the first in five orientation sessions for new teachers at the college where Ill be teaching in January.
``Attend the Christmas Staff Board lunch at the Gymnastics Centre.
Full day gotta run
December 13, 2009
It's Sunday again.
I haven't been to church in some time. The church I attend is a good 30 - 40 minutes away. Since my separation, I have found that I am exhausted, probably mentally and physically. I spend the week driving to work. (I pass my church on the way.) Then I've spent Saturday after Saturday running errands, getting groceries, laundry and all that blah blah blah. Sunday morning arrives and I just haven't been able to face getting into my car and driving again. Poor excuse, I know. There is no Saturday option and ony one English liturgy. I want time where I don't "have to" do anything. Unfortunately, it would appear my spiritual life is dealing with the consequences of this malaise.
Interestingly, our pastor, a useless man who has no interest in people, hasn't even called to see where I've disappeared. Speaks volumes about him. I could go to the local RC church, but I don't find it very satisfying. No doubt I'll get back to church soon, but I do have to say I have enjoyed not rushing to get out of my PJS and out of the house, and not being back home til mid afternoon. For now.
I've been really cranky this weekend. Things seem to be out of my control and I am not handling it well. Just as I had thought things were starting to settle down.
Last night I was supposed to have gone out to a Christmas party at a friend's house. I didn't go. I don't know what it is lately, but I'm not interested in being in houses full of people. I also missed my annual association party earlier in the week. I don't ever miss it. I didn't want to go. I am on deck for another party next Saturday and I don't know if I'll be going to that one or not. I said I would but who knows.
Rebel "broke up" with her BF. Let me back up - they both moved back to my place. Cranky? hmm let me think about this.
They came back because the uncle was giving her a hard time about all kinds of things and I think the BF had enough of him. Less than two days after they arrived, and BF hadn't come home after work til nearly midnight Rebel told him to get lost. Not sure if this is going to really be officially done or not. She broke up with him but he's still around. First step - she says she needs a break. Apparently he will be living with the uncle and she is staying with me. She left her dog at the BF's uncle's place where they were living. The dog will continue to stay with him.
It's too noisy and I end up sequestering my little dog because the puppy is all over him. Though even that's not quite accurate because my little dog has never been neutered and tries to play alpha - and he is marking in my house.... it's not good. I've told Rebel, if she is staying with me that's great, but her dog is not welcome. She's not training him, he barks and it gives me a head ache. I did tell her she has a choice - my place without the dog, or her dad's with her dog and she could come over any time. IF XSU is smart he'll take her. Problem is I don't think she wants to be there.
Rebel had borrowed my futon couch when she and the BF originally moved out back in the spring. They brought it back and put it in the garage. I came home from work on Monday this week and the frame was sitting in the middle of my living room. Rebel's BF told me he couldn't get it down stairs to the basement because it was too big and awkward. He said he was getting an allan key from his dad to take it apart to get it down the stairs. That was Monday. Today is Sunday and the thing is STILL sitting in the middle of my living room. Cranky - very cranky! I finally got beyond irritable and I thought made myself clear - to get the thing OUT of the living room on Friday Last I checked this AM, after BF had his smoke, ate my pancakes and showered in my shower, he was watching television and not moving much.
Rebel has decided to go with XSU to visit his family in NS over Christmas which is interesting because she doesn't like the SIL or her female cousin. The boys - she gets along with quite well. In one way it's good she is going - it gives her a chance to back away from her life for a bit and relax. I am not sure it will be a great get away given she doesn't like her aunt or the one cousin.
For now Rebel Junior is staying home with me but not sure if she'll change her mind or not. I am hedging not because she doesn't want to be away from her friends that long given she's going to France in 6 weeks.
I'm not feeling bad about Rebel getting away from BF - at Christmas time even. I am hoping this is the beginning of the end for this relationship I am staying out of it, as hard as it is for me the mother, and hope she is able to move on. This has never been a normal relationship. It didn't follow a normal kind of progression - meet, get to know, date, get serious. If Rebel hadn't been sick I am quite sure this one wouldn't have lasted long at all. I am zipping up my mouth around Rebel and praying this goes the way everyone who knows her wants it to go.
Now I need to get this crankiness under control and do something a little more in keeping with the advent season.
December 09, 2009
December 08, 2009
The arm is still a hurtin after the H1N1 shot. The other flu vaccine arm is just fine. It's surprising how tender that jab site is. Rebel Junior still refuses to get jabbed. She is unreasonable . Her father, as usual, is really good at being in the "no help here"department.Since I missed wordless last week, I am not so wordless today Tuesday - hmmm tasty Tuesday? Here are the cookies I baked for the cookie exchange last week.
And here are the cookies and squares I got in the exchange.
December 06, 2009
Rebel and her BF moved back in. Apparently the uncle they were living with went into alcoholic binges 1N1 vaccinand gave Rebel a hard time about everything. So much for my peace and quiet. They left her dog with him, because he does seem to like him more than I do. I hate to say it, but I am missing my quiet house. I did put the BF to work as soon as he crossed the threshold of my house.
XSU has been talking to Rebel. I know I cannot control what he says, but really, the man needs a friend instead of talking to his kids about our issues. He really needs to shut up. He told her he stopped doing anything in the house on his lawyer's advice. And what was the big deal anyway... it's just a house. While I didn't quite lose it I did fire back to Rebel and I imagine it will get back to XSU that - that was always his problem. He lived in a house while I wanted a home and he could never see the difference and never had any pride in what his place looked like. I am working on the "whatEvEr" part of all this.
It can be pretty hard biting my tongue to keep my opinion of the girls' father to myself. It ain't easy, but it's the way it has to be. I went looking for an extension cord to use for the Christmas house lights. XSU took every freakin extension cord with him. WTF!?!?! sigh.... That's okay I have his hundered dollar hammer. I don't plan on "finding" it and returning it any time soon. Bitchy? Perhaps.
I am behind on several projects. I was working on a photo directory for the church. Photos of all the families. The company took most of the pictures. I had to scan some photos where people couldn't get to sittings - the last 10 photos are just not getting done. I have to get this thing done.
Then there's the course I am teaching in January. I don't have more than a week or two left and the programme coordinator is looking for it. This is really important. I have to teach this thing and won't be able to if I don't have a decent outline to work from.
If there is anything worse than getting a needle it's getting two. One in each arm. I got the H1N1 shot - and the regular flu shot. The H1N1 arm still hurts a day later. It's quite tender. Rebel Jr is refusing to get any flu shot. I need to work on her and get her to get this done. It's not easy.
December 02, 2009
My team and I at work went out for lunch yesterday. Thai – very yummy – a little too spicy for me, but… oh wait… I am digressing again.
During the meal one of my coop students asked me during the course of a conversation whether or not I’d get remarried.
First of all, I never officially discussed my marriage, separation or other personal woes with the team. None of their business, I barely missed work, and after all the stuff they dealt with during Rebel’s trials, I didn’t subject them to more of my drama.
Secondly, some of them were in the picture – those who must be well connected with people I do talk to – and good on them, however my full timers knew nothing. THAT was interesting.
I kept that pretty low key and didn’t delve into any details except to say that indeed my marriage broke down and I was now separated. My one loyal employee asked about the girls, I responded and left it at that. Okay, she brushes her hands off and says, done with that bit of news and now let’s move on.
Oh! The original question. Remarry? Honey, I am not even UN-married yet never mind thinking about tying that particular knot again. And then there is the entire annulment process to get through, so the thought of going down THAT road again is certainly not on my radar. The question came from a lovely student, one who is a little older than most. She has to be in her late 30s maybe early 40s. Never married from what I do know about her, but went through a fairly serious relationship and break up a few years ago.
Apparently she has been seeing someone – someone that I do know is not an entirely trustworthy or appropriate individual. This I do know for a fact. She is not facing up to the realities of this person and repercussions of the being with him because she needs to be with someone so badly. It’s a bad scene all way around.
The point being – I don’t particularly want to be married again, I don’t think For now anyway. Although having seen the difference on pension splitting and the financial side of marriage in old age, I might be persuaded.
However, I also think a companion a la Jackie Kennedy style would be nice – and not that Greek style either, more than man she was with when she died. They each had their own homes, and spent time together and time apart, took vacations and spent holidays together. I kinda like that idea.
Right now though, I am enjoying myself and my time on my own. I don’t want to be one of those women with that hungry look every time a potential companion hits the room. Unless of course he’s a lanky 35 yr old healthy specimen – then it’s cougar time and all bets are off. But until then I’ll remain not unmarried, happily separated cocooning in my little space enjoying the life and blessings I have.