Doing the Epiphany

This past week I've seen the VNN a few times. He called and asked me to come over for tea one evening after dinner. We spent a couple of hours on the couch talking. It was just so very nice.

Yesterday I asked VNN to come over and keep me company as I was making soup for a staff retreat that I was hosting today. Again, it was quite lovely. I was quite comfortable with my glass of wine, chopping onions and cabbage for soup having him in my space. And again, we talked. A lot. He asked me a fair bit about the break up with XSU and I tried to give him the edited Readers Digest, noooo the Coles Notes version.

I told him, how frustrated I would get with XSU because he wouldn't talk to me and so I started breaking dishes to get his attention. "Wow," said VNN, "you must have been so hurt to do that."
"yep," I said, "that angry too, so getting me angry does this stuff to me." We talked a little more and then changed the subject and moved on.

Fast forward to today. Staff retreat at my house. We were following a process that is a little more based in psychology than business practice and whoa... I ended up having a rather major epiphany and had to actual get up and leave the session for a bit because of what was running through my head.

I realized that during my discussions with VNN about my anger, that part of what is going on with me now - the whole "doing" thing, the wanting to but not being quite there yet, had to do with my fear. The fear of being hurt again. And how, now that I recognize it, I can deal with it. I have the responsibility for my own feelings and needs and I can't put that on him at all. I can't ask him to promise me that he won't hurt me, of course not. But I can figure out how I can get past that, and take the leap. Now, he's not putting any pressure on me whatsoever. Never mind that he's taken me to heights of arousal I haven't felt in years, if ever, - and I mean seriously whew... but ... really... it's all good.

So, when I next head over to VNN's house - movie night - Saturday - after his daughter and her family have had pot roast with grandpa, I'll be able to have this out there and be able to deal with it a whole lot better. Though given what I have already learned about this man, he's probably three steps ahead of me on this one.

Not doing the do yet, but at least I understand what those voices are in the back of my head that are causing me trepidation.